I spent most of yesterday playing in PHOTOSHOP and trying to figure it out.

I took some images from the Slater wedding in September to play around with.

I LOVE that last photo – I have always loved it – but with the new effect – AWESOME!

There are miniature horses a few miles down the road from “our” house – which is a few miles up the road from Mel’s house.

Mom and I stopped to get a few pictures on the way home.

I love this last one …

Melody has some other cute cows hanging out with the Dexters.

We took a ride up to the ACTUAL top of the hill to hang out with them for a while.

This last cow is called Granny – she is over 20 years old!

I mentioned before about my parents starting a farm with their friend Melody.

Last time I went down to the barn – the weather was horrible and I didn’t have the right flash to capture the images I wanted. Mom and I went down on Saturday to take another shot.

The baby cows are SO tiny and SO cute.

We wanted to get a picture of the three of them together and looking at us – this was the best we could get!

This next shot is my favorite …

Kris was my favorite – great take on that song!

Allison was my second favorite – but c’mon producers – she is 16 – dress her that way!

ADAM – I am so sick of listening to him – I would have him in the bottom all the time – but America loves him …

Danny should be my wild card this week – but America loves him too!

Matt is my wild card tonight – so glad he was saved – will buy his music when he gets a deal – but I don’t think America is in love.

Anoop and Lil are going home tonight – Lil can’t hold on much longer with the ridiculous judges and the comments they make.

This past weekend was rough. Friday night we hung out with my parents and talked. I am so frustrated and confused and angry about having a miscarriage.

At first – I was accepting and had a great outlook on everything. I still know that Enoch is with God – I still know that he is in a better place. I still know that God  knows what He is doing and that His plan is the right plan. I have moved from accepting that to questioning it.

It mostly started when I found out about several other people that are pregnant and due around the time we would have been. I became bitter and angry and hurt. I already know that Jared is a great guy by putting up with me on an every day basis – but this past month – has shown what a GREAT guy he is. He is hurting – he is grieving – he is confused and angry – and I  keep asking him questions and wanting answers. We have been so frustrated and lost – even though we are together.

The anger set in and there hasn’t been one day in the past two weeks that I haven’t cried about what happened – mostly in anger.

The questions that nobody wants to bring up – the hard ones.

I know that God has a plan – I want to know why THIS had to fit into His plan.

I know that God didn’t cause our miscarriage – but why couldn’t He stop it from happening.

How does God expect me to sit by and watch all these new babies being born when it should have been me.

How do I trust again.

The ONLY thing holding me together right this moment is God’s love. I know that it exists – I feel it – even through the anger and confusion.

Over the past few days – while things CONTINUE  to go wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY – like a domino effect that seems to go on and on and on – I tell satan that he won’t win.

I might be angry and confused and hurt – but I am still a child of God.

While Jared and I were doing devotions a year ago – we were reading about Job – and I was going through my constant jaw pain – I remember the reading vividly. Job did not curse God – he did not turn his back on God – even while he underwent the most horrible things imaginable. He lost everything he had – his children died – his friends were total jerks – his wife told him to curse God and die – he became deathly ill – and yet – he remained faithful to God. He asked God – why.

People love to say – God only gives you what you can handle. I disagree.

I don’t blame God for taking Enoch to heaven – but I question Him for not keeping him here – when I know He could have. God is not to blame. The sin of this world is the culprit.

The answer is – bad things happen.

I am a control freak – for those of you that know me! I need to know and I need to know now!

I want a reason as to why this happened.

There is the explanation that something was more than likely “wrong” with the baby. “Wrong” or not – we miss him. That doesn’t help. I am the one carrying the baby – obviously it must have something to do with me. What did I do wrong.

I couldn’t even tell that I lost my child while it was growing inside me. What kind of parent am I.

What happens when we get pregnant again – if we get pregnant again. I trusted that this last pregnancy would go well – we prayed every day – I took vitamins – I ate well – no caffeine – I slept. What makes next time any different. How do we get excited about another pregnancy.

These are the questions that I ponder as I am falling asleep – the questions I want to ask when people ask how we are doing.

Bottom line – I know the answer to all of them – God loves us – God is holding Enoch right now. God is carrying us through this difficult time.

His plan is the ultimate plan – the ultimate answers.

My sister and her boyfriend Xavier have been dating two years – he proposed a few weekends ago!

She has a gorgeous sapphire ring to go with it!

They wanted a fall wedding but the dates are slim with my weddings already scheduled – so they picked September 12th of this year – which isn’t too far away!

Yesterday we went shopping with our mom and cousin Vanessa to find ideas for a dress. Samm was sure that there wouldn’t be any buying yesterday but left with her dress in hand!

I have pictures of her dress – but it will remain a secret!

The first dress she tried on was the one she ended up buying – I’ll show you the ones that didn’t make the cut!

This was the 2nd dress – we liked it – but it is a little too fancy!

3rd dress – this one didn’t make much of a list at all …

4th – this was Samm’s second choice – so pretty and simple!

5th dress – again – too fancy!

I loved that dress I have on – but I don’t have enough support for it! If it were an indoor wedding – it would have been the one – but since it is outdoor – I needed something a little more free. Vanessa will be in the truffle color that I have on.

6th dress – fanciness!

last dress – my 2nd favorite! It reminds me of The Princess Bride!

The truffle and pool are the dress colors – the orange will be the accents in the flowers and decorations!

They are GREAT fall colors!

Vanessa and I in pool!

The back of that truffle dress that I loved!

These are THE dresses! Vanessa will be in the truffle that I had on earlier and I will be in pool – we wanted it the other way around but the junior dresses don’t come in pool.

LOVE IT!

This is just a beautiful dress I saw and loved! I saw a girl trying it on and had to ask if it was her dress – then had to ask if she had a photographer! She did.

It was a LONG day – but FUN!

I think I might look into working at David’s Bridal part-time! It would be so much fun!

I JUST LOVE WEDDINGS!

We went to my parents this weekend – I had a birthday party and four year pictures planned but the party ended up being a problem with photos and releases so we postponed the four year shoot for a few weeks.

Instead – I had a meeting with a wedding client – referred by the one and only Jenna V – who keeps me in business!

I booked the *T* wedding for 12.19.2009! Thanks again!

Jenna also won ANOTHER free photo session for a referral that booked!

I stopped at Peebles and got a few cute tops for weddings for the summer – Peebles is way too expensive but I love the clearance!

Jared finished The Shack and I started it – he loved it and I am still on the fence.

Schrute hung out with Jared and my parents on Saturday while I was meeting and shopping. I snapped these once I got home …

He is such a handsome boy!

I spent most of the weekend crying – I needed to be with my parents and talk to them about what has happened in our lives and why – of course there are no answers – but it was nice to be with them.

We went wedding dress shopping for my sister – she is getting married 9.12.2009 – mostly because it is the only fall date I have open other than Labor Day – but I will post those in a separate entry …