It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a blog.\u00a0I don’t have time. I have a wedding every Saturday and then at least 3 sessions a week – minimum. Right now – my blog is 4 weeks behind my schedule. I’ve thought about just blogging every other session or just using 3 or 4 pictures in each post. I can’t bring myself to it! I love all my clients and sessions and can’t bear NOT showing them to you!<\/p>\n
It’s been an amazing 2010 for barden photography! I cannot believe the support, love, and encouragement you have all shown me! I can’t stress enough how much I love ALL of you and what you mean to me!<\/p>\n
We are still trying to get pregnant. I am still confused and angry. I have at least 5 inquiries a week about newborn or maternity sessions. Every other day I find out about someone else being pregnant. Jared asked me the other day why I take the newborn and maternity sessions when they hurt my heart so much. i do it because I LOVE newborn and maternity sessions. Babies are such amazing miracles and capturing a woman’s body while that miracle grows inside her – just gives me chills. It’s amazing! I also choose not to refer them to someone else because I need to be joyful and happy about their blessing. I am so very angry with people that are pregnant – it’s nothing personal – just in general. I pray that God has children in our future – a pregnancy for me – in the future – but He might not. And if He doesn’t – I don’t want to live in anger all my life. I want to be happy for those people being blessed with a child. I want to be happy around those beautiful babies!<\/p>\n
At our last appointment – almost 3 months ago now – we found out that Jared has a low count – bordering on infertile. My cycle is like clockwork but that isn’t helping. I’ve stopped the charting, the temperatures, any kind of control I have or had in the situation. Having control makes me stress out more that it’s not happening when I want it to.<\/p>\n
I want to be a mother right now. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I don’t know if I’ve written this before but when I graduated high school I was so upset that I would have to go to college cus I was supposed to get married and have babies – lots of them. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking that if we would have never gone on birth control – then we would have babies – we might have a 5 year old today. Was it my fault – our selfishness?<\/p>\n
Waiting and wondering is the hard part – and hoping. I feel that God is ignoring me – has pushed me to the side – marked me in his memo book to reply at a later date – if He remembers. I KNOW this is not true – but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the middle of a tug of war with satan and God – and I’m screaming out – asking God to just pull me over the line to His side – but He just leaves me there in the middle of the tug.<\/p>\n
I don’t understand why I’m watching so many people being blessed with pregnancy – and yet here we are – waiting and hoping.<\/p>\n
I’ve had many people write to me on FACEBOOK or email me and tell me that my blog has helped them through their own loss or to better understand a family member that went through a loss like this. It means so much that this experience is helping others to cope – that I can help with an outlet for their own grief and anger. People have emailed me and asked me how I can be so strong in my faith – I wonder if they are looking at the same person I am looking at in the mirror. I feel like I am getting weaker by the day. It’s been over a year and a half since we started trying – including getting pregnant and having our miscarriage. I wonder how I can get through the next month and then realize that I’ve gotten through the last year and half – only by the grace of God.<\/p>\n
My brother and his wife Jessica just announced they are pregnant – 10 weeks. They posted an ultrasound picture on FACEBOOK – their precious miracle. 10 weeks is when we lost Enoch and looking at that US picture and knowing that is what I was hoping to see – breaks my heart. It is the strangest and most complicated emotion I have ever felt. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife – to be an aunt to this sweet baby. I am so sad that it isn’t us. I am so confused and don’t understand why it isn’t us – why we couldn’t have news together – why I’m not holding my 9 month old baby and my sister’s 21 month old baby – waiting for their cousin to join the world. Instead – Samm and I have babies holding each other’s hands in heaven.<\/p>\n
Our options are to wait – to go ahead with IUI and if that doesn’t work – in vitro. I am praying that God would lead us in the right direction – that He would show us the way. Like I said – I feel like He doesn’t speak to me on this topic – I have no idea what He wants for us – what we should do. I believe that if God has a baby in store for us – He can make that happen. It’s if He does or not. I’m praying that if He does – He will calm my heart – give us peace – and if He doesn’t – He will take this desire from me.<\/p>\n
I am trying to enjoy life for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t. I wake up thinking about babies and go to sleep thinking about babies. I see babies in my job, at church, at WAL*MART, everywhere.<\/p>\n
Thank you all for praying for us and encouraging us. We love you. so. much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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