{"id":10778,"date":"2010-03-08T20:31:45","date_gmt":"2010-03-09T01:31:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/?p=10778"},"modified":"2010-03-08T20:31:45","modified_gmt":"2010-03-09T01:31:45","slug":"one-year-later-baby-barden","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/2010\/one-year-later-baby-barden\/","title":{"rendered":"ONE YEAR LATER – MISSING BABY BARDEN"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Last year on March 11th – two days after our first OB appointment – I wrote this:<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am sure that many of you know by now \u2013 but I wanted to give an update on our little one.<\/p>\n

Monday afternoon was my first MD appt \u2013 YAY \u2013 I was so excited and nervous and anxious \u2013 Jared\u2019s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for Jared to see ultrasound images and what not. I didn\u2019t know that I would be getting an ultrasound \u2013 but I had Brenda come in with me because I knew she would want to see. The anticipation was so intense \u2013 waiting to see your child on the screen actually growing inside you –<\/p>\n

and waiting and waiting and waiting –<\/p>\n

to see nothing \u2013 as soon as the screen came up \u2013 I knew \u2013 I knew that I was supposed to be seeing the form of a little baby \u2013 and nothing but blackness.<\/p>\n

The doctor kept hmmmm\u2019ing and trying his best \u2013 but eventually said \u2013 well \u2013 this happens \u2013 this is the picture that we want to see at 9 weeks \u2013 which you are \u2013 and even if you were 6 weeks \u2013 this is the picture we like to see \u2013 and as you can see \u2013 we cannot see any of that.<\/p>\n

He suspects that the baby stopped growing and developing weeks ago \u2013 he sent me for blood tests to measure my levels then we took them again today to compare and figure out what needs to be done.<\/p>\n

Last year my sister found out she was pregnant in January and miscarried in March \u2013 it was heart breaking and I didn\u2019t know the words \u2013 the emotions \u2013 the sympathy to give her. I do now. I called her and cried and really understood what she went through exactly a year ago.<\/p>\n

Jared\u2019s mom held me and cried and prayed with me at the doctor\u2019s office \u2013 I was so thankful that she was there. When I went to get blood taken \u2013 Denis \u2013 a dear friend from years ago \u2013 was the one working \u2013 what a blessing \u2013 to be able to hug him and cry and have someone I love like a brother right there with me.<\/p>\n

I called Jared at work really quick before the day ended and had to tell him what we didn\u2019t see. I wanted to be able to be there with him for that moment \u2013 I wanted to come home and give him a picture of his child that I am carrying. I was looking forward to that emotion \u2013 that moment \u2013 I have been looking forward to it since the day we found out \u2013 and to have to call him and tell him that I have nothing to show him once I get home \u2013 it was the worst news I have ever had to give someone.<\/p>\n

Jared and I held Schrute and cried and cried Monday night \u2013 I called my family and a few close friends to let them know what happened \u2013 and Jared went to play basketball to get his feelings out on the court \u2013 I held Schrute and told him how much I loved him and how great it was to have him here RIGHT NOW.<\/p>\n

Amy \u2013 my boss and friend \u2013 let me take the day yesterday to be home and rest and cry and pray and think \u2013 Jared and I slept in with Schrute nestled right up to my tummy \u2013 he wouldn\u2019t have it any other way \u2013 I worked on pictures \u2013 my therapy \u2013 while Jared played video games \u2013 his therapy.<\/p>\n

Mara brought us lunch and we met with Pastor and his wife in the afternoon to talk and pray and cry and ask questions \u2013 those questions that you know the answers to but have to ask anyway \u2013 WHY \u2013 HOW \u2013 WHAT DID I DO \u2013 IF ONLY \u2013 CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN \u2013 WHAT NOW \u2013 they helped to feel out our emotions and just cry and pray with us.<\/p>\n

The next stop on the agenda was to see Johna and sweet Macy \u2013 I didn\u2019t know if I could go \u2013 should I cancel \u2013 I can\u2019t see a baby right now \u2013 but then I thought \u2013 NO \u2013 I HAVE to see that baby right now \u2013 and kiss her and hold her and love her \u2013 so that is what we did \u2013 Mara and I met with Johna to discuss a project we have in the making \u2013 we will announce it soon \u2013 while I tried my best to pay attention and put in some input while holding Macy \u2013 marveling at the little life that God entrusts us to as parents \u2013 and knowing that the only place I would rather my child be RIGHT NOW if not in mine or Jared\u2019s arms is in the arms of our Father.<\/p>\n

Amy had told me that I could take the day again if I needed it \u2013 but I told her \u2013 what am I going to do \u2013 lay in bed and cry \u2013 I need to be somewhere doing something \u2013 enjoying life \u2013 not dwelling on what I cannot control.<\/p>\n

Then comes the guilt because I feel that I am doing okay \u2013 should I be feeling okay \u2013 shouldn\u2019t I be crying \u2013 it is such a strange and confusing mix of emotions.<\/p>\n

We have decided to name this child Enoch \u2013 Jared names his son Enoch in the Old Testament \u2013 and there is not much said about Enoch other than Enoch did not die \u2013 Enoch was taken from this earth and walked with God\u00a0and he was no more \u2013 our little Enoch was taken and is walking with God.<\/p>\n

Jared and I are utterly heartbroken \u2013 we feel lost and broken and damaged and yet we know that we are LOVED. God also lost His son \u2013 He knows what we are feeling \u2013 God lost His son so that we might have life \u2013 that we might have children to love \u2013 that we can love and be loved \u2013 by God.<\/p>\n

I want to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for us \u2013 contacted us in any way and sent your love and your thoughts and your prayers \u2013 told your stories of \u2013 it happened to me and now see what blessings we have \u2013 held us and let us cry \u2013 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU \u2013 it is because of this GREAT support system that we are able to move on \u2013 that we are able to get out of bed and not cry all day.<\/p>\n

Thank you family \u2013 thank you friends \u2013 there is nothing more that I can say than THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU \u2026<\/p>\n

Thank you Jared \u2013 thank you for loving me \u2013 for holding me \u2013 for being my husband and going through this with me \u2013 there is no one else I want to go through this with \u2013 I know that I want to have babies with you \u2013 I have known from the moment you told me you loved me \u2013 thank you for being my rock \u2013 thank you for loving Jesus more than you love me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is not only because of this great support system \u2013 it is because of the Lord Jesus \u2013 He is the ONLY source of ultimate comfort.<\/p>\n

If you do not know Him \u2013 if you do not have a personal relationship with Him \u2013 I URGE you to do so. I have no idea \u2013 and it hurts too much to think about \u2013 where I would be right this moment without the love and promises of Jesus written on my heart.<\/p>\n

God is good \u2013 all the time \u2013 even now in the face of this loss \u2013 this heartbreak \u2013 this experience that I honestly never thought I would have to face and go through \u2013 a\u00a0experience that has knocked me out \u2013 I am at a loss for words \u2013 except for the 1166 words written above\u00a0 \u2013 and I know that the love Jesus\u00a0Christ has for me is the reason I am standing today.<\/p>\n

The words still hold every ounce of their meaning – still make me choke up when I read them. <\/strong><\/p>\n

I believed that we would get pregnant again – that we would have a baby in our arms during this time. That we would have a baby by the time our first due date came around. I have said my good-byes to Enoch. I know he is safe and loved. <\/strong><\/p>\n

The thing I’m struggling with is that we aren’t getting pregnant again. I’ve watched so many of my friends get pregnant this past year and have miracles in their arms while I continue to wait and hope and pray and question and cry. <\/strong><\/p>\n

I cannot believe that it’s been a year since I sat in that hospital room with my MIL waiting to see our child. 2009 kicked us while we were down and buried our heads in the mud and 2010 keeps pushing us down further. <\/strong><\/p>\n

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. Everyone who has been trying to encourage us. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Having hope is a really big struggle for me. Who says that we will have a child. I can believe it all I want –\u00a0 I believed it all this past year. I have been asking God what He has for us – whether or not that plan includes a child or children. I hear nothing. People keep saying – it will happen – just relax. My question is – how do you know that? There are lots of people that want children and don’t get that blessing. I hope that we ARE the people that get to have them – but I am exhausted. I get my hopes up only to have them brought down. I am having a hard time hoping without getting my hopes up!<\/strong><\/p>\n

If we don’t get pregnant this month – we will go see a specialist. Jared and I both feel that if it is something “simple” – like a hormone imbalance or a supplement we have to use – we will go down that road. If it’s something more complex needing further tests and procedures then we will have our answer – that God does not intend for us to have children. <\/strong><\/p>\n

We are both very open to adoption – but it is very expensive and something that we cannot afford – at least not in the near future. And I long to be pregnant – to carry our child – to feel that miracle. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Please continue to pray for us – for direction – for God to show us what we should be doing – and for peace.
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Last year on March 11th – two days after our first OB appointment – I wrote this: I am sure that many of you know by now \u2013 but I wanted to give an update on our little one. Monday afternoon was my first MD appt \u2013 YAY \u2013 I was so excited and nervous […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[8,11],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10778"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10778"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10778\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10778"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10778"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10778"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}