Jared and I are doing okay – I had a little bit of a breakdown Friday night coming over to my parents. Since we found out about the miscarriage I haven’t really had a minute to breathe and think and take it all in totally.

Last Sunday I went to the nursery during church to see some sweet babies – I snatched up one of the sweeties and rocked him to sleep. Mandy – who has a little boy and is due in May with a little girl – was in there waiting to give me a hug. We have the same doctor in Sayre and she knows just how bad I have been wanting a baby. It was tough being in there – but at the same time I needed it.

On the way to my parents I just started crying – knowing that it’s still just not fair.

Like I said before – I know the answers to the questions – but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Why us?

How do we try this again?

What if we have another miscarriage?

How do we get excited about being pregnant again?

How do we go through it “alone” – since you more than likely won’t tell everyone this time?

If we have another baby – how do you not see the one that you miss every time you look at your child?

People say – at least you know you can get pregnant again. I think – Yes, I know that we can get pregnant again – but I was ready for little Enoch to be our child – I was ready to hold him when he got here – not someone else.

I miss him. I don’t know how to get over those feelings.

I don’t know how to not choke up every time I see a baby or hold a little child’s hand.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling that someone is missing from our little family. I don’t know how to make the hurt in my heart go away.

Jared and I talked about the loneliness that we both feel – although we are surrounded by love and prayers – we still feel alone and lost sometimes.

I know that God is near – I know that He is in control – but there are times when it is hard to be strong.