This past weekend was rough. Friday night we hung out with my parents and talked. I am so frustrated and confused and angry about having a miscarriage.<\/p>\n
At first – I was accepting and had a great outlook on everything. I still know that Enoch is with God – I still know that he is in a better place. I still know that God \u00a0knows what He is doing and that His plan is the right plan. I have moved from accepting that to questioning it.<\/p>\n
It mostly started when I found out about several other people that are pregnant and due around the time we would have been. I became bitter and angry and hurt. I already know that Jared is a great guy by putting up with me on an every day basis – but this past month – has shown what a GREAT guy he is. He is hurting – he is grieving – he is confused and angry – and I \u00a0keep asking him questions and wanting answers. We have been so frustrated and lost – even though we are together.<\/p>\n
The anger set in and there hasn’t been one day in the past two weeks that I haven’t cried about what happened – mostly in anger.<\/p>\n
The questions that nobody wants to bring up – the hard ones.<\/p>\n
I know that God has a plan – I want to know why THIS had to fit into His plan.<\/p>\n
I know that God didn’t cause our miscarriage – but why couldn’t He stop it from happening.<\/p>\n
How does God expect me to sit by and watch all these new babies being born when it should have been me.<\/p>\n
How do I trust again.<\/p>\n
The ONLY thing holding me together right this moment is God’s love. I know that it exists – I feel it – even through the anger and confusion.<\/p>\n
Over the past few days – while things CONTINUE \u00a0to go wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY – like a domino effect that seems to go on and on and on – I tell satan that he won’t win.<\/p>\n
I might be angry and confused and hurt – but I am still a child of God.<\/p>\n
While Jared and I were doing devotions a year ago – we were reading about Job – and I was going through my constant jaw pain – I remember the reading vividly. Job did not curse God – he did not turn his back on God – even while he underwent the most horrible things imaginable. He lost everything he had – his children died – his friends were total jerks – his wife told him to curse God and die – he became deathly ill – and yet – he remained faithful to God. He asked God – why.<\/p>\n
People love to say – God only gives you what you can handle. I disagree.<\/p>\n
I don’t blame God for taking Enoch to heaven – but I question Him for not keeping him here – when I know He could have. God is not to blame. The sin of this world is the culprit.<\/p>\n
The answer is – bad things happen.<\/p>\n
I am a control freak – for those of you that know me! I need to know and I need to know now!<\/p>\n
I want a reason as to why this happened.<\/p>\n
There is the explanation that something was more than likely “wrong” with the baby. “Wrong” or not – we miss him. That doesn’t help. I am the one carrying the baby – obviously it must have something to do with me. What did I do wrong.<\/p>\n
I couldn’t even tell that I lost my child while it was growing inside me. What kind of parent am I.<\/p>\n
What happens when we get pregnant again – if we get pregnant again. I trusted that this last pregnancy would go well – we prayed every day – I took vitamins – I ate well – no caffeine – I slept. What makes next time any different. How do we get excited about another pregnancy.<\/p>\n
These are the questions that I ponder as I am falling asleep – the questions I want to ask when people ask how we are doing.<\/p>\n
Bottom line – I know the answer to all of them – God loves us – God is holding Enoch right now. God is carrying us through this difficult time.<\/p>\n
His plan is the ultimate plan – the ultimate answers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This past weekend was rough. Friday night we hung out with my parents and talked. I am so frustrated and confused and angry about having a miscarriage. At first – I was accepting and had a great outlook on everything. I still know that Enoch is with God – I still know that he is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[8],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4181"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4181"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4181\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4181"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4181"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4181"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}