I am sure that many of you know by now – but I wanted to give an update on our little one.<\/p>\n
Monday afternoon was my first MD appt – YAY – I was so excited and nervous and anxious – Jared’s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for Jared to see ultrasound images and what not. I didn’t know that I would be getting an ultrasound – but I had Brenda come in with me because I knew she would want to see. The anticipation was so intense – waiting to see your child on the screen actually growing inside you –<\/p>\n
and waiting and waiting and waiting –<\/p>\n
to see nothing – as soon as the screen came up – I knew – I knew that I was supposed to be seeing the form of a little baby – and nothing but blackness.<\/p>\n
The doctor kept hmmmm’ing and trying his best – but eventually said – well – this happens – this is the picture that we want to see at 9 weeks – which you are – and even if you were 6 weeks – this is the picture we like to see – and as you can see – we cannot see any of that.<\/p>\n
He suspects that the baby stopped growing and developing weeks ago – he sent me for blood tests to measure my levels then we took them again today to compare and figure out what needs to be done.<\/p>\n
Last year my sister found out she was pregnant in January and miscarried in March – it was heart breaking and I didn’t know the words – the emotions – the sympathy to give her. I do now. I called her and cried and really understood what she went through exactly a year ago.<\/p>\n
Jared’s mom held me and cried and prayed with me at the doctor’s office – I was so thankful that she was there. When I went to get blood taken – Denis – a dear friend from years ago – was the one working – what a blessing – to be able to hug him and cry and have someone I love like a brother right there with me.<\/p>\n
I called Jared at work really quick before the day ended and had to tell him what we didn’t see. I wanted to be able to be there with him for that moment – I wanted to come home and give him a picture of his child that I am carrying. I was looking forward to that emotion – that moment – I have been looking forward to it since the day we found out – and to have to call him and tell him that I have nothing to show him once I get home – it was the worst news I have ever had to give someone.<\/p>\n
Jared and I held Schrute and cried and cried Monday night – I called my family and a few close friends to let them know what happened – and Jared went to play basketball to get his feelings out on the court – I held Schrute and told him how much I loved him and how great it was to have him here RIGHT NOW.<\/p>\n
Amy – my boss and friend – let me take the day yesterday to be home and rest and cry and pray and think – Jared and I slept in with Schrute nestled right up to my tummy – he wouldn’t have it any other way – I worked on pictures – my therapy – while Jared played video games – his therapy.<\/p>\n
Mara brought us lunch and we met with Pastor and his wife in the afternoon to talk and pray and cry and ask questions – those questions that you know the answers to but have to ask anyway – WHY – HOW – WHAT DID I DO – IF ONLY – CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN – WHAT NOW – they helped to feel out our emotions and just cry and pray with us.<\/p>\n
The next stop on the agenda was to see Johna and sweet Macy – I didn’t know if I could go – should I cancel – I can’t see a baby right now – but then I thought – NO – I HAVE to see that baby right now – and kiss her and hold her and love her – so that is what we did – Mara and I met with Johna to discuss a project we have in the making – we will announce it soon – while I tried my best to pay attention and put in some input while holding Macy – marveling at the little life that God entrusts us to as parents – and knowing that the only place I would rather my child be RIGHT NOW if not in mine or Jared’s arms is in the arms of our Father.<\/p>\n
Amy had told me that I could take the day again if I needed it – but I told her – what am I going to do – lay in bed and cry – I need to be somewhere doing something – enjoying life – not dwelling on what I cannot control.<\/p>\n
Then comes the guilt because I feel that I am doing okay – should I be feeling okay – shouldn’t I be crying – it is such a strange and confusing mix of emotions.<\/p>\n
We have decided to name this child Enoch – Jared names his son Enoch in the Old Testament – and there is not much said about Enoch other than Enoch did not die – Enoch was taken from this earth and walked with God\u00a0and he was no more – our little Enoch was taken and is walking with God.<\/p>\n
Jared and I are utterly heartbroken – we feel lost and broken and damaged and yet we know that we are LOVED. God also lost His son – He knows what we are feeling – God lost His son so that we might have life – that we might have children to love – that we can love and be loved – by God.<\/p>\n
I want to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for us – contacted us in any way and sent your love and your thoughts and your prayers – told your stories of – it happened to me and now see what blessings we have – held us and let us cry – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU – it is because of this GREAT support system that we are able to move on – that we are able to get out of bed and not cry all day.<\/p>\n
Thank you family – thank you friends – there is nothing more that I can say than THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU …<\/p>\n
Thank you Jared – thank you for loving me – for holding me – for being my husband and going through this with me – there is no one else I want to go through this with – I know that I want to have babies with you – I have known from the moment you told me you loved me – thank you for being my rock – thank you for loving Jesus more than you love me.<\/strong><\/p>\n It is not only because of this great support system – it is because of the Lord Jesus – He is the ONLY source of ultimate comfort.<\/p>\n If you do not know Him – if you do not have a personal relationship with Him – I URGE you to do so. I have no idea – and it hurts too much to think about – where I would be right this moment without the love and promises of Jesus written on my heart.<\/p>\n God is good – all the time – even now in the face of this loss – this heartbreak – this experience that I honestly never thought I would have to face and go through – a\u00a0experience that has knocked me out – I am at a loss for words – except for the 1166 words written above\u00a0 – and I know that the love Jesus\u00a0Christ has for me is the reason I am standing today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I am sure that many of you know by now – but I wanted to give an update on our little one. Monday afternoon was my first MD appt – YAY – I was so excited and nervous and anxious – Jared’s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[8],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3681"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3681"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3681\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bardenphotography.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}