I cannot believe that this little – well – NOT so little – guy has been here for 52 weeks. 52 Thursdays.

I’ve really been sucking it up with blogging lately. Working from “home” and being a wife and a momma is TOUGH. I am so behind on editing – cleaning (what’s that) – and I just feel stretched too thin. I am so glad that I took time off this year from photography. Normally my schedule is CRAZY packed. I feel like right now it’s just enough – although – like I said – I am crazy behind on editing.

SO much has happened this year – ON TOP of being parents for the first time!

Jared and I started a marriage blog – the marriage fight – and since then I feel like we’ve done NOTHING but argue – giving us LOTS of topics to cover.

This year I have discovered that having Jesus in my life is SO IMPORTANT. More so than any other years – even 2009 – which was EQUALLY horrible. Without Jesus living in me I would have given up a long time ago – on a lot of things.

God heard the cry of my heart. He gave me a BEAUTIFUL baby and a renewed hope. He has given me an amazing husband and the strength to work through our struggles and come out REFINED. God is CRYING out to you today. YOU WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. How POWERFUL is that? God brought YOU into THIS moment and THIS time for a very specific reason. I keep trying to remember that as we go through these past few months and the months to come. Jared and I both feel called to be a ministry – to YOU. The best way for us to share God’s love is to blog. Starting this marriage blog was something we felt God was urging us to do. WE WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE – a DIVINE purpose – and God is using you RIGHT NOW – even if you feel like you are in the middle of absolute CRAP (cus I’m feeling it) – HE IS REFINING YOU. He is bringing you to your purpose. HE LOVES YOU. OH MY WORD HOW HE LOVES YOU. Answer that cry. Don’t wait. He will TRANSFORM your life!

Thank you God for bringing Fitzy into our lives. He is an amazing little boy. He worships You – he raises his little hands (something I’ve been doing at home lately but just can’t do it in public yet) and he closes his little eyes and lets the music flow over him. He reaches out to You. It is the most amazing and heart warming experience I’ve ever had. Our struggle to have him has brought so many closer to You and to hope. You are already doing amazing things through him. I only pray that in the time you are lending him to us that we can help shape and mold him into the man you intend him to be. I can’t even think about him all grown up – the tears just come faster and I can’t see to type – so – thank You for him.

Happy 52 weeks here with us Fitzy! We love you!!

The twins are a few weeks older than Fitzy!

*K* is such a GREAT big sister!

*K* family – thank you SO much for asking me capture your beautiful family! I hope to see you again SOON!

One of the reasons I love Nicole so much shows in this photo session!

Dustin has a little girl that is a bit older than Nicole and Dustin’s son *E* – and Nicole wanted pictures of the two of them together! I think it’s beautiful and awesome for Nicole to set this up and encourage a relationship between the two of them – when so many spouses wouldn’t.

She is GORGEOUS!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!

SO SWEET!

At the end of our session – *E* took a little tumble down the stairs – scraping his face. Terrifying his mother and kicking in her supermom speed!

Poor little guy! And to think – this is what I have to look forward to – the fearlessness of boys! Ahhh!

Nicole – thank you again for being you!

Little *E* is SUCH a cutie! She is so chubby – I can’t even stand it!

I met the *I* family through this little guy’s mom – *E*’s aunt! We had to get a shot of the cousins!

SERIOUSLY!

OH MY HEART! LOOK AT THOSE ROLLS!

Sara and Josh – thank you SO much for welcoming me into your hearts! I have LOVED watching *E* grow!

ANYWAY – as you know – we’ve had some pretty rough months – YEARS – in our married life. Things that we have learned from and grown closer because of – things that have made us so mad at each other and things that have caused us to fall in love more and more.

On the way to and from the wedding we talked about what God has for us. Our ministries. And blogging is a big part of that. We write about almost everything – except our marriage – our struggles – our joys – our fears – our hopes – our expectations – what it’s like to invite God into your marriage. After writing the blogs about the P word from a he said – she said perspective we tossed around the idea of doing more postings like that. I have a list of topics we can touch on – but then we had a better idea – what do YOU want to know!

Cus you know – Jared and I are EXPERT marriage advice givers. Riiiight.

We got SO many responses from the P word blog that we thought – why not give this a shot. YOU pick the topic. Jared will write about it then I will give my version – or vice versa.

We have a few ideas already but really wanted to see what YOU are struggling with – it’s probably some of the same stuff we are. Here’s the thing – marriage isn’t easy. And I’ve had enough conversations to know that Jared isn’t the only guy that does what he does – or doesn’t do. Men and women are SO different but God MADE them to compliment each other – a matching set.

We will be keeping it real. We will be getting ugly sometimes – cus life is ugly sometimes. You might cry. You might stop reading. You might get mad. You might be encouraged to work on your relationship that’s been crumbling. You might be led to ask Jesus into your lives AND your marriage.

So – comment – email – facebook – whatever – but tell us what topics YOU want to read about! And keep an eye out for the NEW website we will be using to host these discussions!

I only have about 10 open spots for weddings in 2013 – when you book your wedding THIS month – you get EITHER a free 20 x 30 canvas OR a free 30 page (12 x 12) wedding album OR 10% off your entire package.

I must have the deposit in my hand by 4.30.2012 and which special you want to take advantage of!

Thank you again for all your love!!

BUT – he is beautiful and awesome and cuddly and started pointing and walking with his pusher-walker toy thinger – I think that’s the description on the box!

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT FACE!

He is so ridiculously cute – is that okay to say about your own kid?

I love love LOVE that outfit – might have to use it for his one year photos!

HE IS SUCH A LITTLE PUMPKIN!

His eyes just sparkle and shine. He is such a sweet boy – the best medicine for us at the moment!

I remember the first time he told me he had a “problem” with pornography. I honestly thought – okay – what guy doesn’t? Not a big deal. Right?

Wrong. I don’t really remember it coming up much in our marriage at first – not sure if it just didn’t or I don’t remember that far back.

In recent years there have been times that Jared has confessed to me that he was looking at photos online.

The first emotion I felt was selfish – why isn’t he attracted to me? Why aren’t I enough? That isn’t the issue at all – at least in Jared’s case.

Something had been triggered and he needed to “get high” – as he explained in his blog.

Thankfully – by the grace of Jesus – I haven’t been angry with him. Hurt – yes. Confused – yes. But never angry.

We talked about it – holding him accountable – not putting himself in the position where it was easier to give in. It helped. I would ask him every once in a while if he was having problems or temptations. I always thought that asking might bring up the topic and make it worse if he hadn’t been thinking about it. But it’s what I needed to do.

Last year – Jared was in a very dark place. I was pregnant with Fitzy – we should have been in a very happy place. But he was angry and depressed and not himself AT ALL.

We were enjoying a Saturday morning and out of the blue he said to me – I need to ask you something. A million thoughts ran through my head – and being a pessimist I jump to worst case scenario. I stopped in my tracks and waited. He said – I need you to stop doing boudoir sessions. Immediately I knew why. I started crying and told him I was sorry. I didn’t mean to make him stumble. Just the fact that he knew I was photographing those sessions made his mind race. I told him – absolutely. Yes. Whatever you need.

I LOVE photographing boudoir sessions – strange – I know. But I do. I provided the service for engaged and married women as gifts to their husbands. I felt fine about offering this service and never doubted it. Until then. Now – if you are a photographer and you are offering these services – I’m not saying you shouldn’t. But when the man I love is struggling because of something that I’m doing – I stopped. I’ve had to tell inquiring clients that I no longer offer the service – all the while thinking – oh but I love those sessions! I love when a woman looks at a photo of herself and sees how beautiful she is – especially when she doesn’t feel remotely beautiful.

Jared had explained it this way. Let’s say that you did a boudoir session for me – and gave me a book. Believe me – it would be AWESOME – but it wouldn’t be enough. Eventually I would need other images to fulfill that need and desire and it would get out of control. What if your client’s husband struggles with pornography – and once he gets the book of his wife – it makes him stumble. And something you meant to be beautiful turns out to be a stumbling block in his life and their marriage. God has blessed your business so much and I would hate to see this be a reason why you would struggle in that success.

So I stopped.

This is a paragraph from Jared’s blog -

“Now, to the ladies. It’s important you really try to understand how we crazy men work. Please don’t make things any more difficult for us than they already are. Please pray for the man in your life who faces the temptation of lust literally everywhere he goes – movies, TV, music, magazines, the book store, grocery store checkout, you name it. Talk to him and be open and honest with him. And if/when he admits he has a problem, don’t nail him to the wall. Yes, it hurts to know the person you love has fallen into this trap, but love him. Talk to him. Work with him. Pray with him. Pray for him. Pray for him. Pray for him. He is your man to “go to bat for” before God’s throne. So do it. And support and love him. Did I mention love him? Love covers a multitude of sins. God’s love, flowing through you, will be used to release the chains of bondage in his life. I guarantee it.”

I’m gonna admit something here that I would rather not – but here goes. When I was younger (but the oldest of the group of girls that I did this with) we would get dressed up in our tightest pants and shortest shirts and go to the pool hall. And play pool. And crazy music. And dance. And then when the guys would oogle at us – we would be DISGUSTED. Absolutely appalled at their perverseness for looking at US – we were just there to play pool. Riiiiiiiight. Seriously? And I was the “leader” of this – oh gosh. Girls – FORGIVE ME for dragging you into and supporting THAT.

This is where it’s gonna get touchy – and hoping I don’t offend anyone – but c’mon – we were TOTALLY looking for the attention. Now – what if one of those men had followed us out to the parking lot and tried to hook up. When we were in there flaunting it and showing off – what were they supposed to think we wanted? To play pool? Seriously? Think girls. THINK. I’m not saying that girls that act like that are “asking for it” or that guys shouldn’t control themselves – BUT – what say we help them out as much as we can by NOT dressing like hookers!

I had a conversation with a friend recently – we both decided – if Jesus wasn’t residing in our hearts – we would totally be hooking it up with our outfits and even some actions. Or – God hasn’t given us the bodies we want yet – because we would totally be dressing like hookers! I’m gonna go more with that first one. Now when I was acting like a hooch – Jesus was totally hanging out in my heart – but I wasn’t listening. I’ve grown up (some) and matured (some) and have an awesome husband who helps me understand these things. Jared will occasionally say to me – yeah – you can’t wear that to church. On a date night to dinner and a movie – sure – but church? C’mon. Or playgroup with the kiddos? When I really don’t see anything wrong with it – until he points it out. Oops.

We want to be attractive and attracted to our spouses or potential spouses. For some of us – even just random guys in pool halls. When you grow up with low self-esteem or the ugly duckling – you want someone to think you are beautiful. So many times the women that are hurting or have been hurt misread that attraction and sex for love. It becomes about control and needing someone – anyone – to love you – not about attraction. And certainly not about love.

I absolutely encourage you women to love on your man who is struggling with this issue. LOVE HIM. We all have ugly skeletons in the closet. We all have our own addictions and issues. Pornography is one of the most uncomfortable ones to talk about – in my opinion – but it’s out there damaging WAY too many men and WAY too many relationships. Listen to your husband. Love him.

I have a few questions – if you don’t have Jesus hanging out in your heart – why not? Is it because religious people turn you off? Is it because you feel bound by too many “rules”? Is it because it scares the (insert whichever word you want) out of you?

re·li·gion – noun

1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.

3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.

4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.

5.the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.”.

Yes – I have a set of beliefs concerning the cause of the universe – especially creation – with devotional and “ritual” observances. I have a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs. I have a specific fundamental set of beliefs that are generally agreed upon by a number of persons. 

But I still don’t consider myself religious. When you think of a religious person – what comes to mind? I’ll tell you what comes to mine – and remember – don’t be offended if this slightly resembles you or your church.

To me – religious people know their bible verses – they attend EVERY church function – they use guilt to make a point – they sing in the choir – they are better than you and are always quick to point that out – and they “pray for you”. Behind closed doors – they have secrets. The things they are calling out in others – are EXACTLY what they do – just justified. It’s not a relationship with Jesus – that’s religion. It’s a ritual – a holier than thou attitude.

I’ve said this before – but I mess up. Quite often. I hurt people with my words and actions (most of the time it’s just me being me and I’m not doing it deliberately) but there are times when I purposefully hurt someone. We all do it. Sarcasm is a lovely form of communication for those that equally appreciate it – but it can also be a mask for true hurt. I judge. I am NOT perfect or pretend to be. If you thought that I was a “perfect” Christian and then read this blog or saw my life or my facebook page and something disappointed you – I am sorry – the ONLY reason I am sorry is that you thought I was perfect. Not so much. At all.

I have a relationship with Jesus. The thought that church attendance = a ticket to heaven – I don’t agree. Same with knowing what verses to throw at people to make YOUR case – that’s making the Bible work for you. I love to share Jesus’ love and work toward bringing light to a dark world. I love knowing that I am in His hands – ALWAYS!

It’s been QUITE a dramatic year for me. AND. I. HATE. DRAMA. Now listen – I KNOW that I am a pretty – okay – VERY dramatic person. Personality speaking. But that does NOT mean that I thrive on drama and crap going on in and around my life – but this past year has been QUITE full of it. Someone pointed out to me that the drama I’ve been dealing with involved fellow Jesus lovers. ONLY fellow Jesus lovers. CRAZY right? If I love Jesus and YOU love Jesus – shouldn’t that be it? In a perfect world it would.

As I type this I have a friend whose dad is in the hospital after a massive heart attack. There is a family across town mourning their little girl after a tragedy. Someone lost their life in a car accident last week in town. We have homeless – hurting – abused – lost people ALL around us. There are children being kidnapped and sold into sex slavery around the world. People who are at the end of their rope – turning to drugs instead of Jesus. Babies being aborted at all stages of life. Children who eat paint chips because food is not coming. THESE are what we need to be passionate about. Helping and saving the lost. Not our first world problems.

As people – we should be working TOGETHER to help. As Christians – especially. As FAMILY – most importantly. Why is it that we can’t see past our little differences? Why is it that we can’t forgive. Why is it that we can’t listen? Why do we continue to hurt – to make ourselves feel better?

And it’s about stupid things – at least in my case. Hiding your wall from me on facebook and then when I delete you (cus I can take a hint) – you think I’m the one with the problem. Asking what I’ve done wrong and ignoring me while people in our family suffer cus we can’t sort this out and get together. Telling me that the forgiveness I asked for was insincere. Blaming me for an issue with your friend and therefore asking me to never speak to you again. When I don’t even know what the WHAT you are talking about! A suggestion of an inappropriate relationship that my husband had (which he didn’t and doesn’t) and the aftermath. The insecurities that I have NEVER had to deal with before. The questions – the conversations – the CRAP. Getting into an argument with a dear friend that definitely did some damage to our friendship – because we couldn’t agree to disagree on matters of alcohol and visiting more than one church. These are issues that are absolutely ridiculous to be fighting over – to be worrying over. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. not even.

THAT is the religious crap that I can’t deal with. Don’t get me wrong – we should be holding each other accountable and looking out for each other. And we are going to have differences in opinions – but are those differences THAT big of a deal that we ruin relationships over them?

I hate to even reference it and admit that I hear about it through a friend (cus I don’t EVER watch filth) but that GBC show – is kinda sorta maybe most likely absolutely true to life. Like I said – I would NEVER watch it – so a certain someone I know (who doesn’t mind watching filth) tells me about it. One character justifies her behavior through those certain Bible verses that are applicable to justify certain behaviors. She looks down on women that work in the “trashy” restaurant in town only to find out that the restaurant brings in LOTS of money to it’s owners – who would that be? Why she and her husband of course – but no one knew that. She’s the lead in the choir – she can’t have people knowing that they OWN a place like that. Another woman is living a lie in a loveless marriage – getting it from anyone BUT her husband. Judging everyone BUT herself for their horrible lives. But THEY are the “good” people. But like I said – I wouldn’t know – I don’t watch it. Ever.

When people think of me – or remember me when I’m gone – I want them to say – Danielle loved Jesus and loved sharing about His love. She loved her family. She was a good friend (cus sometimes I’m ONLY a good friend – not great). They could say or think lots of other things. Some might even say – that Danielle – she was a good person. But it doesn’t matter. Being a good person will not get you into heaven – what it does once you get there – is up to debate. But it is NOT your ticket in. It doesn’t matter how many church services you attend – how many charity events you set up – how much you give to the church – what Bible verses you know by heart (or at all). It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you have Jesus in your heart – in your life.

HA.

They have three kids – ranging from 10 to almost 4. They were good kids though – really they were!

It’s crazy to look at the three of them and think – oh man – I have to call my mom and say sorry for being crazy when we were little.

They jump and kick and want everything to be EXACTLY fair. They get along great and then the next minute they are wrestling.

In the midst of a quiet moment – I caught these!

Maybe these will be at their wedding someday – ya know – when *E* is 30 and Fitzy is 20!

*B* family – we LOVE you guys and are so thankful for your friendship!