LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS

Filed under: at work,babes,bardenisms,birth,expecting,just because,kiddos,love,my family,the marriage fight,word of God — Danielle at 6:47 pm on Thursday, October 10, 2013

If you don’t know – Jared and I share a website where we blog – the marriage fight.

In order to better understand what I’m about to write here – you might want to hop on over there and read – at least – the last two entries. About grace.

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to just pour out – but it’s not time. It’s not all mine to share. So I won’t.

But I will tell you this. I’m struggling. In the past – I’ve written about the hard times. It’s how I heal. How I process.

That’s a tear on my arm – right above the dandelion. It’s mine. From this morning. There were a lot more. A lot.

I’m angry. I’m confused. I look at the pictures on our bedroom wall and wonder what happened to those people. In our wedding photo. At a picnic. At the beach.

Pregnant with Fitzgerald. That’s where you can see the change. All the pictures before – we were – different. You can see it. We aged – quickly. That sparkle in our eyes isn’t as bright. Looking back – we should have been in counseling the first time we miscarried. Tomorrow would be Enoch’s 4th birthday. FOURTH. I cannot believe that it’s been that long.

(I’m okay – little Enoch in my belly is okay – I’m talking about our first baby – which we also named Enoch)

And then it all just kept coming. We got pregnant so easily that first time. And then – not so much. And I got really sad. And Jared got really sad. And then we got pregnant with Fitzy. And a new chapter in our life began. In so many areas. We miscarried again. We lost sight of each other and what was important in our lives. In our marriage. We miscarried again. Then we started to get our marriage back. It was a rough spell – but forgiveness and grace was abundant. Then we got pregnant. Again. For a fifth time. And we knew he would stay. And we both felt really awesome about where we were. How far we had come. How far God brought us from where we were.

And then – almost overnight – it started to crash. Hard. Harder than all the crap I just mentioned. Harder than anything I have ever been through. And it broke. And the pieces are still scattered. Just a few corners and edges put into place. But like with any puzzle – once you get to all blue sky in the beautiful landscape background – all the pieces look the same. And you have to start sorting them by shape. Pouring over the slight changes in the color – teeny little changes. And it takes a very long time to fit them together. To figure it out.

I feel like that’s where we are. So much has happened and there’s so much to piece together – that it’s overwhelming. The entire puzzle is blue sky. And even the edges and corners are tough. Intricate and detailed. Specific. Each piece has to fit perfectly.

And it’s taking a very long time. Which in reality – is a speck. But oh my – it seems so long already.

And in less than 7 weeks – Enoch will be here. Another precious baby in this house. A house that will have new windows next week and we can move upstairs. And if I’m honest – I’m having a hard time being excited. Because I’m terrified.

I started counseling yesterday – and she asked – what were 4 things I do well. Only 4? Just kidding. I thought about it.

Well – I organize well. I have a take control personality – so I think I lead well. I am a photographer and I think that God has blessed me with the ability to see things others can’t – so I capture moments well. And I mother well.

What’s your goal? What – my goal? Um – my goal was to have a baby before I turned 30 – I was 29 and 11 months. Check. Start a photography business. Check. But now – to be fun. To be a fun mom and wife and sister and daughter and friend. Because sometimes – I’m not. But we all need that one person that says – c’mon guys – should we REALLY do this? Do you REALLY need that sweater for $100? I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.

And.

Love hopes all things. Right?

I mean – it’s tattooed on my arm. I look at it every day. Multiple times a day. And still – I lose hope. I cry and I whine. And I HATE whining.

Right now – it’s a deep deep valley. One where the sun hardly shines. And I am so thankful for my growing family. I am so thankful that I get to spend the days with a little boy who is full of joy. And hope.

Fitzy’s newest thing is to stand on something – a block – or a shoe – and balance. He says – MOM – look at me do this! I say – that’s fantastic baby! I’m so proud of you! And he waddles off to find the next thing to balance on. When he sees something he likes – he says – oh momma – that’s so niiiiiiiice. ooooooh. It’s seriously the best. He does the dishes. He does the laundry. He cleans the sink. He folds clothes. He washes windows.

I was so angry that this was happening now. Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have a baby and one on the way. Without Fitzy – I would be in that valley too. Me – personally. I’m in it now with Jared – but I have to be the one to remind him – us – to look for the sun. Without Fitzy – it would be a lot easier to find a cave together – crawl into the darkness – and not care about coming out.

I told my aunt the other day that I felt like God was giving me the bare minimum to get by. That He could see me dangling off the cliff by my pinky – barely holding on. And He said – well – here’s a little deeper of a ledge for you to grasp. Just a little. I know you want more – but this is all you can have right now.

Now – I know – I know – God isn’t mean and vindictive. He doesn’t take pleasure in watching me dangle – although some of you would disagree with that. But it’s how I feel. And feelings are important. And so is the truth. That God is covering us and holding us.

And I tell you what seems like random babble – to say this. God has given me organizational skills. Leadership skills. Strength – but knowing to ask for help when I need it. The ability to see beauty in things that others can’t. And I’m a great mom. I have never had to use those skills like I am right now. Like I will have to. That all that crap was to prepare me – us – for this.

To depend on Jesus.

Fitzy asked me to rock him today – he hasn’t asked me to do that in a while. A few weeks. But it’s been MONTHS that he has fallen asleep while I rocked him. I needed that today. To hold my baby and know that God is holding me – holding Jared – holding Fitzy – holding Enoch – even tighter. That while I’m dangling off the edge of that cliff – while we are – that He isn’t above us – giving us just a little bit more – He’s right below us. Ready. Waiting.

Today – I texted Jared and said – What do I do? He said – Pray. Wait. Listen. Love.

I’ve prayed and prayed – and pray. I’ve waited and I feel like I don’t have much time left to wait. I’m listening but not hearing. And love. Love has been redefined in my book. Which isn’t always a bad thing. Hard – yes. Bad – no. So I love.

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we need.

Well – yes. A miracle. We need a miracle to find our way out of this valley.

While I tend to give out tough love – more than gentle love – I didn’t like receiving it today (not mentioning any names – Ericka) but it was what I needed to hear.

We need prayer. We need hope. We need a miracle. We need Jesus.

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY …

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,friends,just because,my family — Danielle at 1:35 pm on Tuesday, January 8, 2013

You know the rest right?

Then don’t say anything at all.

It’s my goal for 2013. Seriously. NO – SERIOUSLY.

I see SO many people on FACEBOOK whining and complaining about everybody else. The latest one was an area photographer complaining about the fact that EVERYONE is a photographer. Saying that the only people that deserve to be photographers are people with the right education and training. Other people joined in and named names about who they don’t like – who they don’t think deserves to be a photographer.

I’ve learned something recently when it comes to this business. PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF.

There will always be more and more people popping up and creating competition. There will always be clients that leave and go to another photographer – clients you thought were VERY happy with your work. It sucks. It will continue to suck. But why are you in this business in the first place?

For me – it’s not about money. It’s great that I can supplement our income with this job – but for me it’s about connecting.

It’s about creating a beautiful memory for someone. A moment captured in time that will never happen again – not EXACTLY the same anyway. I believe that God has given me a gift – an eye for moments. Some of you might not agree – and that’s PERFECTLY fine.

It’s about creating a connection with someone – capturing your emotion with my lens.

While I need clients to make my business run and work – I also don’t need to convince everyone to choose me. If you are unhappy with the work I’ve given you – I’m truly sorry. It breaks my heart. If you are using a different photographer and you are happy – then I am happy.

In October I took the month off from FACEBOOK – it helped my work SO MUCH! I wasn’t focused on what everyone else was shooting – I was focused on what I was shooting. I wasn’t comparing myself to anyone. While I truly believe that we need to push ourselves and strive to be better – comparing ourselves does nothing but bring us down.

Instead of complaining about everyone else out there – GET OUT THERE! Push yourself. Know your strengths. Admit your weaknesses. Network with other photographers in your area – ones that you personally enjoy. I have a handful of people I refer to when I am unavailable. I would NEVER refer a client to someone I didn’t trust to do my own photos.

We are all in this together – this crazy thing called life. We can either fight and argue with each other (which believe me – I’ve done more than my fair share of) OR we can support and encourage each other. It’s YOUR choice.

I still suggest we all listen to the advice that Thumper’s dad told him in Bambi - “If you can’t say something nice – don’t say nothing at all.”

DECISIONS DECISIONS

Filed under: at work,baby barden,bardenisms,factoids,just because,my family,newsworthy,portraits — Danielle at 12:22 pm on Monday, February 13, 2012

I made the decision to take time off this fall with our new baby on the way. Now that little JC is hanging out with the big JC – that decision needs to be re-evaluated. I know that fall is one of my busiest times – I can book a lot of weddings and seniors.

I also know that this little guy is growing up way too fast. If for some reason – and even if not – Fitzy is our only child here on earth – I want to spend every moment I can with him. I want to take him to the pumpkin farm and play in the leaves. I want to watch my boys play baseball in the yard on a Saturday. I want to enjoy time with our friends and family.

That being said – with the exception of a few weddings that I am taking back on since our sad news – I will still be taking the months of July and September through at least January off. I will keep the few appointments that I already have scheduled BUT I will take new maternity and babies clients who want my . babies . babies . babies . package! And most likely a handful or two of seniors.

I am sad about this decision – I love love love LOVE photographing you – but like I said before – I love my family more. And after losing two sweet babies and not knowing how many – if any – God will have in store for our arms here on earth – I want to soak up every bit of Fitzy’s toddlerhood.

I am almost booked for the year already – with this decision. If you want to get in this year – or next – make sure to let me know soon!

Thank you again for your support and love and understanding and awesomeness!

FACEBOOK

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,factoids,just because,newsworthy — Danielle at 2:07 am on Sunday, February 5, 2012

Well – I took a two week “break” from fbook – I cheated a little by logging onto Jared’s profile a few times.

I learned a few things -

REASONS I HATE FACEBOOK

1. Yes. Jared and I sometimes go to Changos. No. I don’t drink – would it matter if I did? Yes – Jared and I both have tattoos. No. I don’t plan on waving them in peoples faces to show them off. Yes. We “attend” more than one church. No. I don’t think Jesus would tell us we have to attend one and only one. Yes. Sometimes I take Fitzy to my parents. For a week at a time. I might be exhausted. I might have sessions. Or my parents might just miss their grandson and it works out for me to stay a week. No. I’m not leaving my husband. No. We are not fighting. Yes. You can see what I do and where I go. No. I don’t frankly care if you don’t like it.

2. Yes. Please message me privately and tell me that you thought my apology wasn’t genuine. That you think horribly of me. That what I do now is between me and God. When I asked you to forgive me – that’s when I left it between me and God. Tell me that you can’t even stomach the sight of my photographs – they make you physically ill. No. I don’t mind at all that I can’t write back and defend myself or explain because you have blocked me. *At this point there may be one person out there that says – but Danielle – you hypocrite. You blocked me. Why yes I did. But that is because I DO NOT LIKE YOU. Now if the people in this point and the people in number 3 flat out DO NOT LIKE ME – awesome. That’s all I need to know. Don’t tell me my forgiveness isn’t genuine because of something YOU did to YOUR friend? I know that I am not the BEST photographer out there but I think I’m pretty dang good sometimes. So don’t tell me that you cannot stand the photo that used to be my banner – cus that photo KICKS BUTT. Don’t ignore my forgiveness and questions and just assume that I hate your face because of some stupid status that more than likely was a quote from The Office. So – to the one person I have blocked. I am sorry that you think I’m a hypocrite. I block you so that I don’t use words that would make my grandmother blush when we interact. I pray for you. I LOVE you – in Jesus.

3. Yes. I love how you rave about the importance of family. I love how you comment on my child’s photos or updates when Jared or someone else in the family posts them. No. I don’t mind that you’ve blocked me and won’t answer me when I ask what I’ve done – please forgive me – family is important – right? Oh right – I must have posted a status that was directed toward you. Forgot about that one.

4. Why yes. I love that most of my time gets sucked into checking you. I have you on my phone and every time it beeps I pick it up like a drug. I am addicted and I do need help. I will not be putting you as an app on my phone. I would love to turn off my messages but can’t. NUTS! So PLEASE – email me if you have business questions or just want to chat! I will not check you in the evenings once Jared is home.

5. Yes. I love how insecure I am. I love that I wonder what I’ve done wrong when I see a client in another photographer’s photo. When in reality – I’m booked solid. What is wrong with me. I started somewhere and so does everyone else. Why do I feel threatened. I love that feeling – thanks fbook.

REASONS I LOVE FACEBOOK (note – there will be next to little sarcasm in this section)

1. I love love LOVE that I can share my blog with so many people at one. I love that the things I write about affect real people with real issues and real emotions. I love that I’ve met so many DEAR friends because of my blog and/or fbook. I love that I can share the love of Jesus to so many at once.

2. I love love LOVE that I get to see updates of my little niece (and nephew – on the way) while we are here and they are there. I love that with one click I can stay updated.

3. I love love LOVE that I don’t have to actually call or talk to people to see what is going on in their lives. Yes – I am nosy and I prefer to not talk on the phone for hours. Or even five minutes.

4. I love love LOVE that I have gotten MOST of my clients through facebook. I love the networking between friends with my work. I love seeing my picture as your profile. I love meeting a client who has struggled the same way we have and I get to capture their miracle! I love that most of my clients have become good friends!

5. I love love LOVE the love I get. Seriously. I love that you guys love on my little guy and most of you TRULY love and care for us.

6. I love that people write to me and say – I saw your work on facebook – I read your blog – we are also trying for a baby. Please pray for us. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. Awesome.

SEEMS LIKE LOVE WON – ALTHOUGH THE REASONS I HATE YOU ARE MUCH MORE DETAILED.

If I can keep my boundaries that I set for myself and others in check – then I will be around for quite a while. If not – back to facebook freedom.

HAPPY 7 MONTHS

Filed under: at work,baby barden,bardenisms,holiday,just because,newsworthy — Danielle at 10:39 pm on Sunday, November 27, 2011

Today is Fitzy’s 7 month birthday!

Starting last night at 6 and ending at midnight tonight – I am running a special!

EMAIL me at dcbarden@gmail.com to schedule your session or SESSIONS for 2012 and get $50 off per session!

I will need your deposit of $100 in my mailbox by Saturday – December 10th!

In your EMAIL give me some dates that you would like to schedule – we MUST book the session today with a concrete date. Emails that are received tonight till midnight will be locked in as long as the deposit is received by December 10th!

In 2012 I will be taking sessions on Tuesdays and Wednesdays – you can check out my schedule to see what is open!

This special WILL NOT apply to mini-sessions if I decide to hold them or currently scheduled/booked appointments.

HAPPY SHOPPING!

And because a post from a photographer isn’t a post without a photo – check out my sweetness – happy 7 months my love!

ME – BY AUNT L

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,just because,portraits — Danielle at 12:24 am on Saturday, July 31, 2010

I have a new haircut and color. I have a new tattoo. I needed some new pictures! My Aunt L took these after my July 10th wedding – LOVE her!

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Thanks so much Aunt L – we have to do it again soon!

*K* FAMILY

Filed under: at work,babes,bardenisms,family,just because,kiddos,portraits — Danielle at 8:40 pm on Saturday, May 15, 2010

A few Saturdays ago – a group of local photographers and I got together for some fun sessions!

I had posted on FACEBOOK the need for a family to be models for a group of local photogs – Jenn and her family answered the call!

Danielle Dickerson, Danielle’s boyfriend TJ Hower (who is a DJ), Heather Goodreau, my aunt L, and I had a GREAT time with this family!

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That last shot is my favorite! Thank you again so much for being models for the afternoon!

Thank you again Danielle, TJ, Heather, and aunt L!

RENATA & MATT

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,just because,marry me,wedding — Danielle at 8:26 am on Friday, May 14, 2010

I took Renata & Matt’s engagement photos last May – and they were GREAT models!

Their wedding was in October – which I didn’t photograph – but we had talked about doing an after session.

When I posted on FACEBOOK that I needed a couple who was willing to wear wedding attire for our photographer’s meet up – they jumped at the chance!

We had so much fun with Matt & Renata – and their brand new baby pup – Lucca!

Danielle Dickerson – TJ Hower – Heather Goodreau – and my aunt Lori were the other photogs shooting with me!

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I LOVE THAT SERIES!

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That is my FAVORITE series!

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I LOVE that one too!!!

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LOOK AT HER!!!!

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My FAVORITE family shot!

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Thank you guys EVER so much for hanging out with us and putting up with our creativeness!

RENATA & MATT

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,just because,marry me,wedding — Danielle at 8:26 am on Friday, May 14, 2010

I took Renata & Matt’s engagement photos last May – and they were GREAT models!

Their wedding was in October – which I didn’t photograph – but we had talked about doing an after session.

When I posted on FACEBOOK that I needed a couple who was willing to wear wedding attire for our photographer’s meet up – they jumped at the chance!

We had so much fun with Matt & Renata – and their brand new baby pup – Lucca!

Danielle Dickerson – TJ Hower – Heather Goodreau – and my aunt Lori were the other photogs shooting with me!

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I LOVE THAT SERIES!

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That is my FAVORITE series!

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I LOVE that one too!!!

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LOOK AT HER!!!!

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My FAVORITE family shot!

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Thank you guys EVER so much for hanging out with us and putting up with our creativeness!

BARDEN PHOTOGRAPHY – ONE YEAR – OFFICIALLY

Filed under: at work,bardenisms,just because — Danielle at 7:22 am on Wednesday, March 31, 2010

3.31.2009 was my last day at Phoenix Rehab – I cannot believe that I’ve been working as BARDEN PHOTOGRAPHY for one year!

I had 24 weddings in 2009 and 32 seniors for the class of 2010.

I captured so many families and babies – sweet family pets and little league games – engagements and pregnancies!

I LOVE this job – I LOVE my clients – I LOVE that this year is going to blow last year out of the water!

This year I have 27 weddings for 2010 and 6 on the books for next year – including my first destination wedding in TEXAS!

I would love to have 100 seniors for the class of 2011 and double my family sessions from last year!

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE who believed in me and prayed for me and trusted their memories with me!

BECAUSE OF YOU – I get to do what I love!

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